Raising Taylors

I remember the day I gave birth to Bellea like it was a dream. I remember most of the details but there is a foggy haze around it all. I remember a nurse coming in and setting up the different tools as I told her I was scared I wouldn’t be able to push her out. How can I push and help if my body is completely numb? I remember my nurse coming in and turning me on my side and telling me to take deep breaths. I remember my mom saying I had to keep breathing deep because I didn’t understand. I remember she told me her heart rate was low and it was important I breathe. I remember the doctor finally coming in and telling me it was time, my contractions were happening faster and it needed to be now because her heart rate was dropping drastically. I remember my husband and my mother each grabbing and holding my legs as I began my first push to bring my little girl into this world. I remember being told to hold my breath to push better. I remember several pushes before having the doctor tell me to stop. She was fighting with something but I didn’t know what. I felt a weird pressure then release. Then I heard her say she didn’t know if she could get the second one off and the concern on my husband and moms faces. I remember a loud POP then being told to push again. I remember starting to realize the cord was around her neck, and not just once but twice, and it was tight. Then I remember being told it was ok, she was ok. They got it off. I remember more pushes. “Hold you breathe Malley. Push. Hold your breath. But keep pushing.” I remember both my mom and husband whispering in my ear each time I pushed. “You’re doing so good. You can do it. She’s almost there. I’m so proud of you.” I remember being told her head was out and feeling such a release of pressure. I remember being told to push but with half the strength. A few more pushes and she’s out. I remember the nurse laying her on my chest. She looked so beautiful, but she was blue. I remember the tears of joy but then the worry. “Is she ok? Is she ok? Why is she blue? What’s wrong?” I remember the nurse suctioning. Her nose. Her mouth. Her nose. Her mouth. So much amniotic fluid. How do we live in that for so long? She’s alright I was told as she began to finally cry and return her color. It felt like an hour though I know it was only seconds. I remember looking at her lips. How can lips be so small? How can she even open her mouth with lips so little? I remember my husband looking at her hands saying the same about her fingers as she laced them around his pointer finger. I remember seeing her open her eyes for the first time. Her eyes so dark you couldn’t even tell the color. They had a mysterious beauty to them. I   remember being told to gently push a few more times and my stomach being kneaded on to deliver the placenta. I remember my family coming in with such joy on their faces as they welcomed baby Bellea into the world.